Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We're unrehearsed.
The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.
If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country.
Laughter is a protest scream against death, against the long goodbye. It’s a defense against unhappiness and depression.